“We’ve got to do something. It’s got nothing to do with faith…”

No shiite. For a moment, I thought it might have something to do with Islam.

Tim Blair:

Following last week’s terrorism raids, AFP deputy commissioner Mike Phelan claimed radicalism was a problem for all Australians.

“We’ve got to do something about this problem. All of us. All in the community. It’s got nothing to do with faith,” he said. “This is about all the community, all families getting together, having a greater understanding of what your children are doing.”

Acting on the deputy commissioner’s instructions, I immediately launched a detailed alphabetical investigation that would expose radicalism wherever it lurked.
Icon Arrow Continue reading ‘DETECTIVE TIM IS ON THE CASE’

Following last week’s terrorism raids, AFP deputy commissioner Mike Phelan claimed radicalism was a problem for all Australians.

“We’ve got to do something about this problem. All of us. All in the community. It’s got nothing to do with faith,” he said. “This is about all the community, all families getting together, having a greater understanding of what your children are doing.”

Acting on the deputy commissioner’s instructions, I immediately launched a detailed alphabetical investigation that would expose radicalism wherever it lurked.

A – After tracking an Anglican cell for more than 50 years, I called their ringleader and demanded information on the radical younger members of her sinister clan. “Oh, hello Tim,” my mother answered. “It’s nice to hear from you.”

She signed off with a mysterious request: “Don’t forget your sister’s birthday this year.” Was this code? Maybe even a threat? I made a mental note to change my phone number. Again.

B – Buddhists are known for silent contemplation. But so is that bloke in the pub who seethes quietly all night until he finally snaps and tosses a chair through the window.

A detailed search of local Buddhist websites failed to turn up any terrorist “chatter”. I did find an excellent recipe for vegetarian Thai curry, however, which actually works better if you replace the coriander with flat leaf parsley.

C – When I texted known Catholic operative Nadia, the autocorrect changed her name to Mafia. Very suspicious. So was her reply: “If the dishes aren’t done when i get home u r DEAD. We’ve got ppl coming over tonight!!!”

To avoid a possible terrorist incident, I went to the pub and tossed a chair through the window.

D – The news desk at the Daily Telegraph is run by a dangerously youthful team of possible insurgents, who proved extremely elusive when I tried to pin them down on their terrorist plans.

“Just file your stupid column, Blair,” one of them said. “If you miss deadline one more time we’re hiring Elizabeth Farrelly.” Then she rejected my latest expenses claim. Note to the AFP: move these people to peak priority surveillance.

E – After infiltrating a bar popular with young English backpackers, I began a forensic clothing inspection to determine if any females present were concealing explosives. “You dirty perv!” shouted one of their male co-conspirators. “Stop taking pictures of my lass!”

I was then tossed through a window.

F – Australia’s most prominent feminists declined to take my calls for some reason, so I was forced to speculate wildly about their involvement in global terrorism and forward their addresses to the relevant international agencies.

Then I remembered the deputy commissioner’s brief, which clearly referred only to young people. Investigation closed.

G – Greens are pretty obviously all terrorists, yet hard evidence was difficult to locate. The three bombing plots I uncovered, for example, were all abandoned following negative environmental impact reports.

H – After sending several Herald columns to ASIO, a high-level officer quickly got back to me. “For the last time, Mr Blair, trying to bore people to death is not a terrorism offence,” he said.

So, nothing at this point. But the probe continues, resuming tomorrow with the letter I. Let’s see what those radical Italians, Indians and the IPA have been hiding.

3 thoughts on ““We’ve got to do something. It’s got nothing to do with faith…””

  1. islam is disrepectful to the Human Race !
    islams are an embarrassment to the Human Race !

    islam is a LIE
    islams are Vile
    islams are Putrid
    islams are Malevolent
    islams are Deceitful

    islam is a CRIME !
    islams are CRIMINALS !

  2. He must have done a course in Islamic lying.

    He is correct in that faith has absolutely nothing to do with these attacks. What he does not tell us is he is using the good ole Islamic bait and switch, faith in this case being put in place of “the religion of islam”. Which completely changes the equation.
    But he is hoping the general public is stupid enough to not know the difference, oh wait, most don’t.
    Nothing to see here, move along, move along.

    The Infidel.

Comments are closed.