Take the test

Immigration minister Peter Dutton suggests a new citizenship test for Australian arrivals. At the Daily Telegraph, Rowan Dean is happy to assist.

Any legitimate future Australian citizen should be able to complete the Dean test:

When you’re forced to take your girlfriend clothes shopping, do you:

  1. a) Smile patiently while she tries on the fiftieth friggin’ dress in Sportsgirl and asks you for the thousandth time if it makes her bum look big
  2. b) Surreptitiously check out which dress is half price in the sale before telling her it makes her look just like a supermodel
  3. c) Stone her to death if she dishonours you by exposing any flesh

When you first sign on at Centrelink, do you think it is best to:

  1. a) Ask if there’s any chance they can find you a job
  2. b) Inform them that you won’t be coming in anymore because you just found a job
  3. c) Ask for some more forms for your four wives to fill in as well

When you meet a Jewish person, is it your natural and instinctive response to immediately want to:

  1. a) Say g’day
  2. b) Crack a joke about bacon
  3. c) Stab them

A stubbie is:

  1. a) A mouth-watering, small brown bottle of icy cold beer
  2. b) A ridiculous tight-fitting pair of male shorts popular in the 70s
  3. c) What’s left of the infidel’s arm once you’ve lopped off his hand

Thongs are:

  1. a) Summer footwear
  2. b) A sheila’s undies
  3. c) Strips of leather ideal for lashing sodomisers, apostates, adulteresses, chicks who say they’ve been raped, young girls who refuse to marry the ninety-year old goat-herder up the hill 

Which sentence best describes the way you should use the word ‘mate’:

  1. a) You little ripper, mate
  2. b) You got be kidding me mate
  3. c) Hold up this black flag in the window and don’t move mate

Fill in the two missing words. There is no other —- than —-

  1. a) yoghurt, Yalla
  2. b) cheese, Bodalla
  3. c) make up your own

To prove your Australian worthiness, take the full quiz.