Muslim Marriage, Muslim Wedding, part 2

My Big Fat Sharia Wedding

The discussion of Sharia Law has picked up a bit in the media lately, primarily due to an Oklahoma state constitutional amendment banning Sharia Law which was passed by 70 percent of the voters this month. Because religious family arbitration courts have been a part of the American fabric for many generations, it has naturally been assumed that extending this practice to Muslims employing Sharia Law would be a welcome gesture of religious tolerance and a natural accommodation of Islamic traditions. The big disconnect regarding Sharia Law, however, is that it clearly contradicts many civil rights that Americans take for granted. As you will see below, Sharia Law is misogynic, racist, and religiously discriminatory. Affording it any sort of acceptance in public policy only encourages Muslims to engage in such shameful practices as marital rape, wife beating, and honor killing.

Aisha & Muhammad

The principal source document for Sharia Law in the United States is The Reliance of the Traveller (‘Umdat al-Salik) written by Ahmad ibn Naqib al-Misri (d. 1368). This volume, translated into English by Nuh Ha Mim Keller, is called the Classic Manual of Islamic Sacred Law, and it bears the approval stamps of Al-Azhar University in Cairo and the U.S. International Institute of Islamic Thought. While this volume represents Shafi’i school of Islamic law, it is identical with 75 percent of the provisions of the other three Sunni schools of Islamic law. The references throughout this essay are to the provisions of this document.

As in all religions, the actual practice with respect to Islamic weddings may vary from the formal religious traditions specified in the Sharia Law. The narrative below is a representative montage of a possible wedding scenario if all of the requirements of Sharia Law were met. The parenthetical comments can be easily verified using Internet search engines. Consequently, this wedding could occur in any country where Muslims now live, and yes, even in Oklahoma.
As a historical note, an attempt to allow Muslims to use Sharia Law in family disputes was quashed in Ontario, Canada, by the Premier Dalton McGuinty, in September, 2005. He stated that there should be “one law for all Ontarians.” Leading the fight against Islamic tribunals was a group of Muslim women headed by Homa Arjomand who feared that they would lead to discrimination against women. In 2005, Ms. Arjomand was honored as Canada’s the “Humanist of the Year.”

I was very young on my wedding day (minimum age for a bride is 6 or 9 years old based on Muhammad’s precedent with Aisha), and so if I didn’t seem very excited about the event it was probably because 1) I had never been alone with a boy (m2.3), 2) I had undergone female genital mutilation as a child and had absolutely no sexual feeling (e4.3), and 3) I had never actually met my future spouse. (m2.2)
All I could speculate about my future husband was that he would be “older” (men in their 70’s often marry teenagers), he may have already married three other women (m6.10), and he would most likely be a cousin. (Over 60 percent of Saudi Arabians marry first or second cousins.) Anyway it doesn’t matter. My guardian (my father or a male in charge of me) arranged my marriage for me.

There were still constraints regarding who I could marry. Because I am a Muslim, I may not marry a Christian or even an ex-Muslim (m6.7). Because I am an Arab woman, I cannot marry a non-Arab man even if he is a Muslim. (m4.2(1)). Also, because my father was a merchant, I could not marry a man of lesser status, such as a tailor (m4.2(3)). Hopefully, my guardian took all of that into consideration.

I missed my wedding ceremony. Actually, the wedding vows are pronounced between the groom and my guardian so I didn’t need to be there. The wedding vows are quite simple: After receiving some dowry money for me, my guardian says, “I marry you [off].” Then the groom says, “I marry her.” (m3.2) Now, the common Arabic word for “marriage” is nikah, which makes boys giggle when they hear it. But it is not a giggling matter when it comes to marriage. The groom must pay the marriage payment before he may have sexual intercourse with his bride. It is considered a “nonrefundable deposit.” (m8.5) Well, anyway, because I was a virgin, I didn’t have to consent to the marriage. In fact, as they say, “A virgin’s silence is considered as permission.” (m3:13)

We didn’t have a wedding reception. Our tradition is to have a wedding feast to celebrate the consummation of the marriage. (m9.1) This is one of the scariest times for brides because often they are too young to have intercourse. Some die from hemorrhaging , but consummating the marriage is a must. The party must go on! (In April, 2010, thirteen-year-old Elham Assi died of hemorrhaging after forced sex by her new husband. One quarter of Yemeni girls marry before age 15.) My new husband wanted to do it right. He took me to the bridal chamber and followed the exact words of Sharia Law: ”The first time they sleep together, it is recommended for the husband to grasp his bride’s forelock and supplicate Allah for an increase in blessings, such as saying, ‘May Allah bless each of us in[side] their partner.’” (m5.3) I wasn’t blessed, but I did survive. The husband grabbed a blood-stained cloth to prove his conquest (and my virginity) and signaled for the wedding feast to begin.

Some wedding feasts last for three days, and everyone – high and low – is invited. It would be a big insult if the host did anything to insult or embarrass the guests. Rivalries and family disputes are put aside. The house may not have any flutes, wine, silk-covered sitting mats, or pictures of animate life. If someone attends under those conditions, he would be acquiescing to an abomination. Of course, if the animate life were all decapitated, that would be just fine. (m9.2(e). The meal should consist of sheep or goat, but just about any food is permissible. Of course, since unrelated men and women cannot be in the same room together, our wedding feast was celebrated by the men in one room and the women in another. (m2.3)

Since I was a virgin and my new husband already had other wives, he did not have to make his usual rounds, sharing his time equally with all of them. He was permitted to spend seven full days and nights with me alone. After that, he didn’t have to make up the lost time with the other wives, either. (m10.9) I guess some people would call that a “honeymoon.”

Being a bride entails certain responsibilities, some of which are old and some of which are new. Since a bride is legally transferred from one guardian to another, my personal freedom remained about the same. Since I was pretty young but I could already read, my new husband wrote the responsibilities down for me.

1. It is obligatory for a woman to let her husband have sex with her immediately when he asks her, if they are at home, and if she can physically endure it. (m5.1)
2. A husband possesses full right to enjoy his wife’s person from the top of her head to the bottoms of her feet in what does not physically harm her. (m5.4)
3. A husband may cut off support if these sexual duties have not been fulfilled. If there is disagreement over whether the wife has allowed her husband “full enjoyment of her person” the husband’s word is usually accepted over the wife’s. (m11.11)
4. It is not lawful for a wife to leave the house except by permission of the husband (except for emergency). M10.12(2)
5. A wife may not permit anyone to enter her husband’s home unless he agrees, even their unmarriageable kin. Nor may she be alone with a nonfamily-member male, under any circumstances. (No chatting with the postman!) ( m10.12)
6. When a husband notices signs of rebelliousness in his wife he may hit her, but not in a way that injures her, meaning he may not break bones, wound her, or cause blood to flow. (m10.12) Rebelliousness includes answering coldly, refusing to go to bed, or being averse to her husband.

There is no such thing as joint property rights under Sharia Law, so it is important for me to keep in mind exactly what I am entitled to get from my husband, because that may be all I get. According to Sharia Law, Section m11.0, my husband must provide me the following:

1. One liter of grain (or whatever the local staple is) daily each morning
2. Expenses to have flour ground and baked if necessary each morning
3. Hair lotion, shampoo, a comb, deodorant, and water for bathing
4. A husband is NOT obligated to pay for cosmetics, doctor’s fees, or medicines unless they are connected with childbirth.
5. At the beginning of each season, a set of clothing, underwear, shoes, a shawl, and if necessary a cloak. (If the clothing wears out before the season is over, he is NOT obliged to replace it. If the clothing lasts longer than the season, then she can sell it and keep the proceeds.)
6. Fuel if needed during the winter.
7. Housing of the same quality of similar women.
8. Servants if she had them in her father’s house.

Of course, all of this support may be withheld if my husband feels I am rebellious (even for a moment), or if I travel without permission, or if I begin a religious fast without my husband’s permission. (m11.9)

Well, that was my big fat SHARIA wedding. Someday I will share with you my big fat SHARIA divorce.

3 thoughts on “Muslim Marriage, Muslim Wedding, part 2”

  1. I have atternded weddings in Turkey and even though they are boring – so boring that one never forgets they are a legally binding contract. Because of the legacy left to the Turkish people by Attaturk, womem enjoy a lot of protection, far more than in Islamic closed societies which are in the majority. These women are now very scared that the good times of equality for women may soon come to an end with the Edogan regeime of bullies. Lets hope the army gets back its power and dismantles the present government quickly and does not allow it to rise up against the Turkish people as it is now. The men dont care so much because they will always be protected within their boy’s religion. The army though holds true to the Attaturk ideals.
    Anyhow this wedding went on all day from the dressing of the bride at the parents house (I should say the overdressing). It was high summer with temperatures of 44 degs every day.
    The father of this bride was eyeing off the dowry money so he and his wife could attend the next Harj and then he would be given ther honorary title of “The Harj”. I called him Haji Baba. The parents spent a kings ransom on the wedding at a very large venue. The guests ranged from a multimillionaire to goat hearders. At least the gunfire is restricted in the cities but in Eastern Turkey, horsemen gallop through the streets firing the rifels to great applause. It is so noisy. No one speaks below a yell in Turkey. It is easy to whisper as no one will ever hear you. There is no alcohol at the wedding only Tang powdered orange which is so awful it is undrinkable and a yoghurt drink which is popular. I actually introduced some friends into flavouring syrups in this drink, and the younger people loved it, but the older ones thought I was bewitching the mixture by making it palatable.
    There was no air conditioning at the venue so it was difficult. I realized why were ate a full meal in the middle of the afternoon – the wedding breakfast was so scant that we would have starved if we had not eaten at home.
    The Marriage Celebrant was dressed in a sort of (without being cruel) in a clowns outfit and he and another man sang the most boring medley of God only knows what for over three hours. Boring is not a strong enough word.
    In the midst of all this, a man who had bashed me previously was discovered at a certain and about 6 of the wedding guests left the hall hastily with their guns visibly showing in their suits and took off to “Kill” this man. I was horrified. It was so scary but I knew better than to ask any questions. The other women at the wedding just sat in silence and did not seem to be phased at all. Probably used to it.
    If you ever visit Turkey and are invited to a wedding, my advice to you would be “dont go” unless you want to die of boredom.

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