As Jacqui Smith publishes a Home Office list of ‘least wanted’ people, Judith Woods nominates the celebrities we’d really like to kick out or keep out
* All a matter of priorities, I guess. Â Once great Britain Â cannot find enough money to support Gurkha heroes who remain in Britain. The Gurkhas, Â loyal soldiers who Â would have gladly given their lives defendingÂ the kingdom, are devastated. Curiously, Nullabor seems to have no problems finding money to support hundreds of thousands of subversive, polygamous, fast breeding Muslims, who have no intention of ever contributing to anyones welfare but their own, but plot and plan terror and the takeover of the country…
1 The Cabinet
As it’s fast becoming clear that we wouldn’t trust this lot to mind the school hamster much less oversee the economy, national security, the NHS or the education system, we may as well get shot of the shower with a one-way ticket to oblivion. Unfortunately, they’d probably fiddle their travel expenses.
2 Jonathan Ross
Smug, crude, mouthy and outrageously overpaid, Ross’s time is up. While it was immensely annoying to hear Andrew Sachs crediting the presenter with reviving his career (couldn’t he just have cashed in and stayed schtumm?), that’s no reason to keep Ross in the country. He’s a coarsening influence, peddling a brand (sic) of laboured innuendo, that might once have been considered scurrilous, but these days is just a bit lame. So let’s rise up and cast him adrift on a sea of indifference – hopefully he’ll bring his relentlessly buxom wife, too.
3 Max Clifford
Whether it’s ovarian cancer, swine flu, plague or pestilence, good old Max can be relied upon to cash in on the misfortune and deliver the victim up to the press. When he’s not knitting at the proverbial tumbrils (while charging his client handsomely for the wool), he represents the likes of Simon Cowell and OJ Simpson. Enough said.
4 Kate Winslet
Oh, quit whingeing, Kate! If she’s not engaged in cringeworthy histrionics, she’s complainingÂ about her weight, her class, her unfair portrayal in the media, who apparently (horror of horrors) assume she’s middle class, just because she was head girl of a fee-paying school and talks like a duchess. She divides her time between LA and the UK, but she’s all yours, guys. We’re happy to take the hit.
5 Peaches Geldof
A vain, pouting little show-off with none of her late mother’s quicksilver charm, Peaches is an affront to the D-list celebrity label. The furore over her recent “starter marriage” was a crass example of being famous for nothing – other than her parentage. Let’s send her on her tiresome way with a great big suitcase (containing Pixie, her ghastly little sister).
Lock up your sons (and your daughters), the international childcatcher knows no geopolitical boundaries when it comes to cherry-picking chubby-cheeked infants. Embroiled in yet another controversial adoption in Malawi, stringy-armed Madonna is not the sort of woman to mess with, so let’s just quietly close the ports and pretend we’re out.
7 Amy Winehouse
Compassion fatigue has finally set in, as we’ve watched the cadaverously wasted singer lurch about once too often, her bird’s-nest wig a parody of Miss Havesham on crack cocaine. Now recording her new album in Jamaica, an island best known as a violent druggies’ paradise, Amy apparently never wants to return to Britain. Can’t say any of us has a problem with that.
8 Ben Clarke fromÂ The Apprentice
Ben “Did I mention my Sandhurst scholarship?” Clarke, with his ridiculous braces, affected vowels and permanent air of pet-lipped indignation, is a study in truculent toddlerdom. Lord only knows what they would have made at him at Sandhurst – a brigadier general, maybe – but he is possibly the most loathsome young man to have graced our screens since the last series of, erm, The Apprentice. Hailing from Northern Ireland, he has, in the local vernacular “a face you’d never tire of slapping”.
The children of ‘Domestic Goddess’ Nigella apparently don’t like her calorie-laden cooking. Presumably that’s because they want to live past 40 and have cottoned on to the fact that deep-fried Bounties don’t constitute one of their five-a-day. The television chef’s lavish artery-clogging feasts have fallen out of favour in these austere times, so perhaps it might be better if she relocated to the South Pacific island of Nauru, where 94.5 per cent of the population is obese.
10 Gordon Brown
Oh dear. One look atÂ that YouTube film, with its scary rictus smiles that never reached the cold dead eyes, and we had proof (if proof were needed) that Gordon’s days are numbered. What possessed him? More to the point, what possessed us? Hang on though; we didn’t actually vote for him, remember? Now would be as good a time as any to extradite him back to Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, where he could perhaps be reunited with Prudence (remember her?) and live out the rest of his days tinkering pointlessly with his endogenous growth theory and baring his teeth at the FTSE.
Labour peer ‘claims Â£100,000 on vacant flat she said was her home’
Baroness Uddin has been claiming expenses on a ‘unoccupied’ flat in Kent
A Labour peer faces a possible police investigation for fraud after she claimed Â£100,000 in expenses for a flat she appears never to have lived in.
Baroness Uddin received the money by claiming that the apparently deserted flat in Maidstone, Kent, was her ‘main home’.
This meant the Baroness, Britain’s first female Muslim peer, was able to claim nearly Â£30,000 a year towards the cost of staying at a separate London address while she attended Parliament.
Members of the House of Lords are entitled to a daily allowance of up to Â£86.50 for ‘meals and refreshments’ and travel around Westminster, up to Â£174 for overnight accommodation in London and office costs of Â£75 a day.
They are also entitled to Â£116 per night accommodation maintenance allowance for a second home and ‘additional office costs’ up to Â£75 for up to 40 days.
The accommodation allowance is available to any peer ‘whose main residence is outside greater London and who maintains a residence in London for the purpose of attending sittings of the House’.Â
‘Main home’: The flat in Maistone, Kent, which neighbours say has lain empty
There is no official definition of a ‘main residence’ in the rules, but Mary Morgan, director of public information at the Lords said: ‘A member will know what his main residence is. It’s where they live. For the purposes of claiming expenses it’s where they travel to and from.’ However, neighbours at the Baroness’s ground floor flat in Maidstone say that since she bought the property in 2005, they have never seen her.Â
A plumber who entered the apartment last month described it as ‘uninhabitable’Â -Â covered in dust with just an old mattress on the floor to sleep on.
By contrast, neighbours at her other propertyÂ -Â a three- storey house in Wapping, East LondonÂ -Â said she is regularly seen there.
The Wapping address is where the 49-year-old peer brought up her five children and is registered to vote.
Her personal website describes the East End as her ‘backyard’ and ‘my home for over 30 years’.Â
Every time she has registered as a director of a company, she has given her London address, which is four miles from Parliament. However, the Baroness has told the Lords’ expenses authorities that it is only her ‘second address’.
In the financial year to March 2008 she claimed Â£29,600 in overnight accommodation allowance. If she has done the same every year since buying the Kent flat, she would have earned more than Â£100,000.Â
Yesterday LibDem frontbencher Lord Oakeshott said: ‘An empty property can’t be a peer’s main residence. The Lords authorities must check the facts of this case and investigate.’ Baroness Uddin denies any wrongdoing and has instructed libel lawyers to represent her.
When approached in Maidstone at the weekend, the Baroness refused to allow a journalist into the flat to check it was being lived in.
In a statement she said: ‘The Wapping house is rented while I own the property in Maidstone. The Maidstone property is furnished and I strongly deny that I have never lived there. Indeed I have stayed there regularly since buying it.’